It is now Wednesday and therefore three days since the surgery. I have so far had three rounds of "aftercare"- read as "bloody painful torture masquerading as massage designed by a sadist"- and am still feeling pretty out of it.
So far, aside from severe discomfort, I've had the pleasure of being constipated (thank you, Co-codamyl), constantly tired to the extent where I am napping for at least three hours every day and frequently woozy when I try to sit down/stand up/go to the loo/walk/MOVE. I know that in theory these things will all pass with time and healing. I know this. I don't necessarily believe it, but I know it. I decided to attempt to shower yesterday, given that in every round of aftercare I have to lie on a table having my thighs pummelled whilst my pundenda is on show for anyone who feels like wandering in, and I'd quite like to at least be clean whilst all this is going on.
Clean, it would appear, is a relative term.
You see, I tried to have a hot shower. That was my first mistake. Once I'd leapt like a scalded cat out of the shower cubicle, I settled for a slightly less agonising temperature of water and tried to clean myself. Washing my hair wasn't so bad- apart from the water from the power shower battering my bruises no matter which way I turned- but when I tried to scrub the Sharpie ink off my thighs, I realised that unless I wanted to pass out in the shower, I had better stop that silliness right away. Still, I managed to get as clean as possible. However, I had also been standing up for a good ten minutes by this point and when I got out of the shower realised that I could barely stand any longer due to weakness. This meant doing all the things I usually do after a shower- wrap a towel around myself, brush my hair, wrap it up etc.- were nigh on impossible. And here is where the moral of the story is. No matter how much fun drugs are at the time there are ALWAYS side effects, kids. Last night, thanks to good ol' Lidocaine still being in my system, I spent approximately 3 hours crying because I felt utterly useless and fairly retarded in all senses of the word. Not the most fun I've ever had.
On top of the Lidocaine side effects, I've also been reminded of the joys of taking antibiotics when you're on the contraceptive pill. Anyone else remember this? That's right. The Pill does not work when you're on antibiotics, so not only do I have all the aforementioned problems, I have also just come on. WOO.
I'd better have the sexiest damn thighs this side of FHM at this rate.
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